Monday, August 31, 2009

Girls' Day Out

Since my last post was both vague and overly personal, I thought I'd follow it up with something a little more light-hearted.

I visited one of my best girlfriends from college yesterday. Della, 18-month-old Sophie and I spent the afternoon in Boulder. We went to The Med for lunch (such memories at that restaurant... it's where, during our last year of college, I convinced Della to date the guy who is now her husband). The food there is so unbelievably good, I can't even write about it because my words will never live up.

After lunch we wandered around Pearl Street. Sophie played in the rock fountain, and Della found some cute outfits for her in some of the boutique shops. Of course we had to stop into the kitchen and spice stores because Della is a brilliant chef, and we had to stop in the tea shop and a yoga store for me. Pearl Street is wicked on the pocketbook.

Sophie had finally run out of steam after a couple of hours and it was time to take her home. We went to Della's neighbor's house for dinner, then after Sophie went down for the night, Della and I stayed up talking and drinking green tea. The whole day was just what the doctor ordered.

Intuition Exhaustion

My intuition has always been extremely sharp. Like borderline-psychic sharp. No matter how tough life got, I knew what I had to do and what direction I had to head in. Even if I couldn't explain WHY, I just knew what I had to do. My gut was my guiding force, and it always led me right.

For the first time in my life, my intuition is not speaking to me. It's like I'm a caboose cut off from the train. I left Colorado Springs on July 17, thinking I would know what to do in a matter of days, if not weeks. But the days slipped by... and then the weeks... and now it's long past a month and I still have no guidance.

From day to day, hour to hour, the situation changes. I'm at the mercy of this constant ebbing and flowing, caused by other people and their decisions, their reactions -- and it's completely outside my ability to control. I'm just standing in the water being battered by the waves, concentrating as hard as I can on spotting some kind of life raft.

I'm reading a book right now about the energy human beings possess, radiate and absorb. It goes into detail about "empaths" (people who, like me, are very sensitive to energy, others' emotions and "vibes"). It mentioned that empathetic people often have a hard time being in relationships or even living with other people because the energy from other people is too stressful to them. And I completely understand what the book means by that. I don't think you have to be a psychic or a mind-reader in order to be overwhelmed by other peoples' energy. Simply being sensitive is enough to make it difficult to deal with.

Anyway, my point in that last paragraph is that while I feel like I've got my own emotions well under control and properly understood and directed, I am being battered by the emotions of others right now. I'm exhausted by it. Every instinct in me tells me to tuck tail and RUN. It takes every ounce of willpower I have in order to withstand the onslaught and trudge through with what little energy I have left in me.

I'm so tired.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Cute necklaces from Om Yoga in Boulder

Catching Up

Holy crap I've been lazy about posting. Sorry 'bout that.

The last couple of weeks have been insane at work. Lots of late nights spent squinting at my monitor.

Tuesday night I attempted to go to a coffee shop to write. You know, to get away from the evil Internet and its irresistible draw. I was driving around for an hour before I found a place that 1) was not closing in 10 min, and 2) had coffee AND food. I ended up at the Starbucks down the street. It was packed, but I found a table and cranked out a scene for my newest attempt at writing a book, Demon Heart.

Thursday I went down to the Springs for the day. Still working through the personal stuff. After work I met up with a friend/coworker and her girlfriend for a walk in Garden of the Gods. I haven't walked there in a while, so it was nice. Perfect day for it.

Saturday was spent tooling around Boulder. Pearl street, farmers market, Sunflower for lunch... man I love that town.

I still have yet to try weaving. But I did have the urge to paint again this week.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Art Museum and Paranormal Romance

There was a book sale at the Castle Pines North Community Center on Saturday. I met up there with a girlfriend and my mom, and proceeded to go crazy over the selection. I've been to library book sales before, but this one took the cake. Big name authors and the books were in fantastic shape. It was $1 for a hardback and 50 cents for a paperback. I came out with an armload.

Afterward my friend and I went to lunch at the Fox and the Hound, and then headed up to Denver to the Art Museum. We didn't even get to see half of the exhibits before they were closing. That place was HUGE! Very inspiring, though. There was a girl there doing a demonstration of Navajo rug weaving... and it looked so fun to do! I think I want to try that for my next new hobby. :)

Today I slept in (oooh that felt good after months of little sleep), then spent most of the day reading some of the books I got at the sale. I was having a hard time focusing -- sadly there is a lot for me to think about these days -- so I sank in to Hunter's Salvation by Shiloh Walker. Yes, lest you forget, I do love me some romance novels. In particular, I love paranormal romance. It's always an easy read, and it always has a happy ending. So when I'm struggling to concentrate, this is what I usually end up reading because it envelopes me enough that I can just sail through. Not a lot of thought required.

So that got me thinking. Why don't I WRITE paranormal romance? I came up with a great story idea yesterday, and I think I'm going to outline it a bit and see if I can make it work for an entire novel. NaNoWriMo is right around the corner, after all, so I either need to be done working on my other projects, or I need a fresh idea to kick off the month.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Spark Award

This arrived in the mail today. My company has finally recognized that my teammates and I are superstars. ;)

Now about that raise...

Telling a Yogi By Her Cover

I went to another new yoga class at lunch today, at a different gym than last night. It has been YEARS since I've had to get into child's pose during a yoga class because I was so exhausted I needed a break. This class was incredibly challenging, and would have been even if I were still in top shape. I am going to be incredibly sore tomorrow.

You know, you can never tell what a yoga class is going to be like by just looking at the teacher. I've had teachers that look like gymnasts, others like kindly grandmothers, and even some that were pretty plump. And you just cannot know how hard the class will be by looking at them. They will always surprise you. I suppose it's the same when people look at me. I look pretty fit, in general -- and yet I'm not very strong. Building muscle is unusually hard for me. So sometimes, I just plain can't keep up. I try to make that a rare occurrence, of course. ;)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Blissed Out

Tonight I went to my first real yoga class since the surgery. I was a little nervous, I admit. As competitive as I am, I knew I would be heartbroken if I couldn't keep up. Amazingly, I found that I hadn't lost any flexibility! I did lose a bit of strength and balance, however. And I've lost about 10lbs in the last month (and yes, I am aware that the Skeletor look does not become me), so some of the poses felt a little different. I noticed in the poses where I had to lay on my back, I wobbled a bit more because there was less cushion between my bones and the floor.

I walked out of the class feeling better than I have since mid-July. I am completely blissed out. My body feels limber and strong, and my mind feels coherent again. It's amazing what yoga does for me. I plan on going to another class during my lunch hour tomorrow.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Your "New Moon" Squee for the Day

The latest New Moon trailer. They just keep getting better and better...

Yoga and Missing the Canines

I'm INCHES away from being able to handle a yoga class. Just INCHES. So I've been doing light yoga at home as much as I can. I was in my bedroom today going through a warm-up vinyasa, and I when I popped up into Crescent, I saw a guy at my window! He waved and walked away. I was a little freaked out, to say the least.

Two seconds later, the guy knocked on the front door. So I went to the door and peered through the peephole, and he was there with another guy in a matching maintenance crew shirt. It went through my mind that I was home alone with no dog for protection... but I went ahead and opened the door. Sure enough, they were with the apartment complex maintenance crew -- and they were as nice as pie! Turns out my brother sent in a work order and just didn't tell me. Anyway, as much as I get frustrated living with dogs in general, the situation made me realize how much safer I feel when there is a dog in the house. So I'm actually looking forward to my brother bringing his dog to the new apartment this week (Spikey is currently residing at our parents' house until Drew gets settled in).

In other news, I found a couple of gyms that have a decently robust yoga and pilates schedule. So I got signed up today, and plan on starting yoga classes Weds (barring any balking from my body). I really think getting back to a regular workout schedule is going to do wonders for my state of mind.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

An End to the Numbness

I am all moved in to the spare room at my brother's apartment. Tonight is the first night I will spend here, and tomorrow is the first day I will work from here.

I thought I would feel relieved. But far from it.

I've been an emotional mess all day. I held myself together as much as I could, but when I pulled up to the apartment with my last load of stuff, and my cat howling in his carrier on the passenger seat next to me, I lost it. I sobbed for a good few minutes before I was able to pull it together and bring my stuff in.

I cried for a million reasons. I cried because I was plucked out of the life I had so meticulously created for myself. I cried out of loneliness -- being away from my friends, and from Jeremy's family who I had grown so close to. I cried out of anger at how the last few months have played out. I cried out of frustration that things fell apart so quickly after I married. And I cried because my life has gone so askew, and I have no idea where I'll be when I turn 30 next month.

In fact, that last bit is sticking in my throat more and more as the days go on. I'm having flashbacks to when I turned 21. I had just moved to California, had just started my new job, and knew no one. My crackhead cousin took me to Los Gatos for a couple of celebratory drinks, but I never really got to celebrate that big milestone. Am I going to spend my 30th birthday feeling sorry for myself, too?

My mom and I went to see Julie & Julia today. It was a great movie, but not as funny/upbeat as we'd been thinking it would be. And frankly, it hit WAY too close to home for me in so many ways. I walked out of the theater with my heart aching.

So yes, the numbness, shock, or whatever you want to call it seems to be fading fast. Now the hurt is setting in. Fiercely.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Boulder and Coming Out of the Fog

I spent most of my evenings this week helping my brother move into his new apartment. As I mentioned, I'm going to be renting a room from him -- so I also moved my few belongings over the course of the week. I should be spending my first night there tomorrow night.

Today I took Chad up to Boulder and gave him a tour of the university and the town. I got my BA from CU Boulder back in 2000, and Chad is considering going there for law school. It was wonderful being back on campus. You know, I might get a graduate degree from there someday just for the fun of it. I love Boulder as a city, too. I feel so comfortable there. Boulder is "my" people -- the writers, artists, yoga practitioners, outdoor enthusiasts, spiritualists, environmentalists, that's who I fit in with!

I've been in such a fog for the last couple of months. Nothing has been clear, nothing has felt right. But I am starting to come out of it. I knitted last night for the first time in months. I started listening to music again this week. And I made the decision today -- somehow, some way, I am moving back to Boulder. The only direction/decision/idea that feels right at this time in my life is moving to Boulder.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Kthunk Kthunk

That is the sound my heart made when I saw this glimpse of New Moon. November can't come fast enough.


Monday, August 10, 2009

Mental Health Weekend

While my parents went to Lake Tahoe this past weekend for the yearly family reunion, I took a mental health break. A mellow, no-stress-allowed weekend. It was just what the doctor ordered.

However, rather than clear my head, it got me thinking in a different direction.

I wish I didn't have to censor myself here. This is the point at which I want to write out everything I'm thinking, but I have to hold myself back because I'm trying to be respectful and not be a drama queen.

I guess what I can say is that my brother got an apartment near the Lincoln Lightrail station, and I'm going to rent a room from him while I continue to sort things out. I realize I'm nearly 30 years old and I'm suddenly living like a poor college student, but sacrifices need to be made right now to preserve the shreds of sanity I (we) have left -- so I'm sacrificing. I miss a lot of people, and I miss a lot of things. I ache thinking I've let anyone down. But I'm trying not to get too low, or to let depression sink in. I know I'm taking the right steps, no matter how painful they are. I continue to try to stay strong and keep my balance -- and while it's a constant effort, I'm managing.

I guess the last thing I should say here is while it may seem like I've dropped off the face of the planet, I have not. I am still here -- you can still call me, email me, even see me if you don't mind the drive or we set up a time for me to drive to you. I don't want anyone to be shy about contacting me. I'm not trying to hide out. I'm just trying to heal.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Post-Op

I went in for my post-op appointment yesterday morning. The doc said everything looks great! She was amazed at how fast and well I'm healing. She gave me the all-clear to start back with yoga again, just gently at first. I am bouncing off the walls THRILLED about this!

Emotionally... I am just trying to stay strong and centered right now. It's difficult amidst the chaos, but I'm managing.

I worked in the HP office in Colorado Springs yesterday, between appointments. It was actually really nice to get out of the house. And the drive from Castle Rock to the Springs is so beautiful. Even with all the craziness in my life, I couldn't help but smile as I hit the highway. A song came on the radio that reminded me of college -- Della and me in a convertible, driving through Boulder with the music cranked.

So it looks like I may rent a room from my brother for a little while. Just until I sort things out. I really thought that things would have worked themselves out enough by now that I would have been able make more firm decisions -- but that is just not the case. In fact, the situation seems to get more convoluted by the day.

I'm taking some serious me-time this weekend. That should help get my head in a better place.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Best Cat Video Ever!

This is just hilarious!

Family Traditions and Expressions of Love

Staying with my parents these last few weeks has given me a lot to chew on. And now that things have settled down a bit in my life, I've actually had the space to chew on them.

The other day, I was putting my shoes in the basket by my parents' front door and it dawned on me how that was an act of love. I do things certain ways, not because I agree with them or they're reasonable to me, but because it removes stress from my loved ones. I put the shoes in the basket by the front door because my mom might trip over them if I left them out on the floor. I put my dishes in the dishwasher in the exact way my dad does, so he doesn't have to move them when he washes the dinner dishes. When the winds started to pick up and my dad emailed me and my mom to put the umbrella down outside because a storm was coming in, I also threw the chair cushions in their storage bin and covered up the canvas patio set -- not because they couldn't handle a bit of rain, but because I knew it would make my dad feel better. To me, removing stress from people is the way I express love. So of course, as I am human, I have always expected others to do the same for me. This, I am realizing, is a huge issue in the relationship problems I am facing right now.

The other thing that has been on my mind is family traditions and how important they are. But specifically, how important they are to newly married couples and new families. It is so easy to piggy-back onto the traditions and routines of your individual families. In fact, it is hard to step back from them at all because that is what you have grown up with. But I really believe, and have seen firsthand, that creating your own family, with its own routines, values and traditions, is the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do when you first get married.

On a totally different topic, I couldn't stand sitting on my butt anymore yesterday. So I went out for a long walk with my mom at lunch, then hit the treadmill for slightly-fast walking after dinner. I know the doc said to take it easy for a few weeks, but she also said walking was good. I didn't push it TOO much, but enough that I stopped feeling like a big blob. Today my legs are slightly sore, and it is the best feeling in the world!

Monday, August 03, 2009

Staying in Touch

I helped my brother hunt for apartments on Saturday. I can't believe how fantastic the new complexes are right next to the Lincoln Lightrail station! Really nice apartments and amenities galore.

Sunday some family friends, Bob and Pam, came over to my parents' house for a BBQ. I haven't seen them since I graduated from college. They both worked with my dad about 15 years ago, and they have stayed friends ever since. I actually used to work with Pam, too. She worked for the CU police department when I was in college, and she put my name in for the part-time receptionist job that I worked the last year and a half I was going to CU. Let me tell you, I have some interesting stories from working at a police department!

That gets me thinking about staying in touch with people. Thanks to the Internet, I'm pretty good at it. I have friends from high school, college, jobs I've held, and places I've lived, all over the world. Add that into my huge family network and I have connections almost everywhere. People have told me that they find staying in touch with people to be exhausting. But I don't find it exhausting -- I find it fulfilling. Keeping in touch with people makes me feel like I'm not alone in the world, no matter where my life takes me. Not to mention, it gives me a ton of places I can easily travel to, and a network of people that will support me should I ever need to look for work (knock on wood that doesn't happen any time soon!). These days you can't get a decent job through the local newspaper. You HAVE to network.